Your QuestionsHere you can find some of our most commonly asked questions answered by the author of Entrusted with a Child's Heart, Betsy Corning. Or you may choose to submit your own question by using the Contact Us tab at the top of the page - we will be glad to consider it for future posting!
Your Questions - Entries from September 2011
FriFridaySepSeptember23rd2011
Clingy Toddler -- Maturity or Discipline Matter?
Dear Betsy,
I have a clingy, whiny, 20-month-old boy. He is content to play on his own for some periods of time but generally follows me around the house while I’m trying to get things done, crying to be picked up. When someone else is with him like my husband or a babysitter, he is perfectly fine until I come in the door and then he starts the crying and whining again. Is this a matter of discipline or maturity? I’m not sure how to handle it. It exasperates me and frustrates my husband.
-- Exasperated Mom
Dear Exasperated,
It is probably a matter of both discipline and maturity, but mostly maturity so let’s talk about that part first.
Children of this age have a deep and precious bond with their mothers. You, even more than Dad, at this stage of his life are his greatest human source of security, comfort, and let’s face it – food. You understand his needs and desires more than anyone else and he seeks you out above all to be constantly meeting those needs, which is where the whining and manipulative behavior can take root.
Young children want to be near their mothers. If you run upstairs for a second, they feel uneasy or possibly unsafe. If you need to make a run to the bathroom, they are sitting outside the door. This obviously makes life challenging as we try to accomplish daily tasks. But it is okay and a normal part of this season of life.
To meet his need to be connected and to feel secure and loved, spend time holding him, rocking, singing, calming him. I remember thinking at times like this in my own life, “I know the Lord will help me get everything else done. It is okay to give concentrated time to my little one. The Lord is showing me I need to take a break and be with my child.”
Sometimes they are acting out just to be held and cuddled, and meeting this need is not spoiling them. They don’t always know the proper way to ask for a need to be met so they cry, tug at us, or whine. It is like a hunger pang that needs to be satisfied. Be willing to give him a bit more time holding and cuddling. When his emotional tank is “filled” he will spend more time playing.
Another matter of maturity is that children who have been dropped off at the church nursery let’s say, for some time with no trouble, may suddenly panic at the prospect when they reach the age of 15-21 months, setting off a vocal alarm when dropped off.
As they are developing, they are becoming more aware of their surroundings and that “Mom” is not there. They are not as easily fooled by you stepping out of sight! They are growing up. It is okay to leave them so that they learn you are coming back. Don’t start believing that you cannot leave them for an hour or so. They need to learn to be away from you and not manipulate you into staying with them. These two scenarios may seem like contradictions but they are not. This last scenario is an example of “separation anxiety."
Now, to address the matter of discipline. Wanting to be held by you or be near you is not an issue in need of discipline, but whining is a behavior that you will want to discourage. In other words, do not respond to the whining by giving him what he wants. He has to learn that whining will not work. Please refer to the chapter "Recognizing and Handling Manipulation" of Entrusted with a Child’s Heart to read more about dealing with the manipulation of whining. I am guessing that this is the part that is exasperating your husband because whining is one of those things that rates up there with scratching your nails across a blackboard!
Discipline may be needed at some point but for now teach him how to express needs without whining. Do not pick him up when he whines. Teach him an appropriate way to get your attention, like saying, “Mama, please" or using some type of nonverbal signal if he is not yet speaking. Then get down to his eye level and talk to him. Most whining starts as an effort to be heard, then grows into a habit because “it is working.” Another practical idea (since sometimes you just need to get things done!) would be to put the child in a high chair either with a snack or a small toy you know will occupy him, and put the chair in a place where he can see you. This can be a lifesaver during meal preparation time!
Finally, remember the Bible’s encouragement, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” (Galatians 6:9) Training a child to be more independent of Mom is an important task. However, keep in mind that this stage will not last forever! One day you may find yourself wishing your child needed you just a little bit more.
Warmly,
Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.
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