Sleepovers

Dear Betsy,

How do you handle sleepovers with friends who have siblings of the opposite sex? What rules or expectations do you lay down without offending the other family?

-Sleepless over Sleepovers

Dear Sleepless,

Think carefully whether you want to have your daughter (or son) in a position where their privacy or safety would be compromised. (Could this possibly be the situation here?) Sounds like this is your concern and so it is valid to prohibit the sleepover. As the parent, you have the responsibility to be informed about what will be taking place at the sleepover and who will be there. If you do not believe you are being truthfully informed, your answer is clear. Are you allowing your children to stay in the home of strangers or people you do not know well? You must keep the safety and privacy of your children as a priority over other concerns. If you feel uneasy about a situation, certainly do not subject your child to it.

Have family standards in regards to sleepovers so that your kids can answer these invitations in keeping with what your family convictions are and so that it is not a constant battle. Clearly many families will not have such convictions and that makes your parenting more challenging. It is easier when your friends hold the same convictions, but then that is the point of having your own family convictions and holding to them.

Evaluate the purpose of sleepovers. Is it an edifying activity for your child or even the best choice for their time? Your child may have great friends from a family that you know well and trust - and still the sleepover may not really be deemed a worthwhile activity. What types of media and entertainment will be available and what activities will be going on at the sleepover? Do they get enough sleep? Not likely. That’s the fun of it (for them.) They may rise to the occasion to meet the demands of the next day but the following day miss school. (Or was that just our house?)

For our family we decided upon an age when we would allow sleepovers to begin and an age when they would end. And of course, this presupposes our standards of knowing the parents, the plan for the evening, etc. This eliminated a great deal of problems regarding sleepovers. You must also decide if you want your children to be involved in sleepovers at all and if so, how many friends is a reasonable number to have overnight? Some of my friends have different standards for the ages they allow sleepovers. That is fine, choose your own and stick to them so your children know the standard for your family. Some kids have a special friend or cousins that may stay over regularly, but set family standards about what you will allow or not allow in regards to all of this and stick to them.

I can remember a time when someone invited one of my children to sleep over, but they didn’t really want to go because they were uncomfortable in their friend’s home. It wasn’t really a situation of safety or privacy but it is not uncommon for children to be sensitive to a variety of factors in an unfamiliar environment. Such factors may be how the parents interact, what goes on in the house, and even how it “smells” (because it is not “home”). This is not one of those times in which your children need to be “stretched”. Kids should not be coerced to stay where they feel uneasy.

Sleepovers are optional. As the parent, you can say, “He (or she) does not sleep well at sleepovers and you can agree to pick them up at a specific time, have them over to your house instead, or just say, in this case, “We don’t do sleepovers”.

For further discussion on the topic of sleepovers, see Entrusted with a Child’s Heart, page 401, and also Chapter 3, “Personal Convictions”.


Warmly,

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Please Note: This counsel is given from a distinctively biblical worldview, and therefore, is being offered with the assumption that the reader has placed him or herself under the authority of Scripture. Also, please remember that these answers are designed to give general parenting advice and are not intended to give specific counsel to specific situations. If you have extenuating circumstances, please seek the professional advice of your pastor, physician, or counselor.